Warning: Graphic Content
Up to now I have struggled a lot on my mental health journey. I started self harming when I was in sixth grade and had to go to therapy. There wasn’t really a reason why I would do it besides the fact that I was really sad for no reason. It still confuses me how I went from a normal child to one in therapy every week and very upset almost constantly. Fast forward to eighth grade, my sadness got much worse. My uncle died unexpectedly and it was a shock for my whole family. I dealt with this severe sadness by turning to boys who made me happy for little amounts of time and then I would move onto the next boy who made me feel good about myself.
When I was fourteen I had my first illegal sip of alcohol to dull the pain and suffering. It wasn’t until my family found me puking uncontrollably eight months later did I stop. It was one of the only things that really worked, and it worked quickly. Spring of my freshman year, my parents noticed me losing interest in the things that I had once loved. This and my irritability as well as seclusion tipped them off that something wasn’t right with me. I was taken to a doctor where I was tested for many mental health problems and eventually was diagnosed with severe depression and severe anxiety. This wasn’t really a surprise to me but it also wasn’t really very welcome in my life. I started medicine and my boyfriend and friends of the time helped me through it.
I started drinking less because of both my boyfriend, who didn’t like me drinking, and because of the medicine and the negative effects it would have if I did. Slowly I started losing friends and my best friend and then my boyfriend broke up with me. I’m not completely sure why this happened but part of me believes that it was because of my drinking and unhealthy habits. The week after my boyfriend and I broke up, he was with another girl which made my depression skyrocket. The pain of losing my friends, losing my boyfriend, my medicine not working right, on top of the stress of family and school issues caused me to have suicidal thoughts.
The day I found out that my ex-boyfriend was with another girl, it tipped the boat. I was found by a teacher at my school in the theater trying to commit suicide and was then taken to the school counselor. From there I was taken to my therapist, emergency room, and then mental hospital. My overall experience at Springwood Behavioral Hospital was generally a really good one. I learned a lot, met new people who were really accepting, and learned to appreciate what I had more. When I got back from the hospital, everyone was very distant. Understandably, I had scared them, including my best friend. The growing distance between us scared me and made me really sad. A couple months later we were barely even friends anymore and it made me very upset.
The stress of finals, my best friend not wanting to be around me anymore, and my mentor passing away once again got to be too much for me. This was my second suicide attempt. My mom took me to the hospital immediately where I was given an IV and sent to another mental hospital called Sundance. My experience here unlike the first, wasn’t as enjoyable. I was very pressed to try and get out because it was Christmas the next week and it was the week of finals. In three days, my parents pulled me out, with the doctors consent, and we left for vacation the next day.
My journey from then to now has been really hard to get back up on my feet but with the help of God, my family, my new friends, my therapists/doctors, and my bible study group, I have been able to move on from my past and learn from my mistakes. Everyday I become stronger and learn what it means to be alive.